Our Relationship With Money

I've noticed lately a deep and unnerving rise of hatred and judgment against those without money. It is not a new phenomenon; throughout my lifetime, I have observed a consistent narrative that appears to gain momentum with increased media attention and focus. The “poor”, as people like to call them, have always been in a position of contempt, it seems. Judged, condemned or criticised and even envied by those who have what they don't.

Money and the use or circulation of it is a complex and intricate issue that runs deep into our primal desires for survival, power, and community.

My relationship with money has been a complex one. I grew up in a household without much of it, and money was always a reason why we were lacking or the driving force of the decisions that had to be made. Our circumstances are not unusual. We are from a working-class background, my mother raised us as a single parent, and the circumstances became more and more common as I grew up.

My generation has seen decline after decline, recession after recession. We have simply not existed in an economy that has made the simple goals many of us have possible to obtain for the majority. This is common knowledge. We have the data, my generation owns fewer homes, has fewer children, and has fewer work opportunities, despite living through a time where the rise of the internet economy made the appearance of success seem easy or even inevitable for many.

There was a time when I focused heavily on community work that would allow people access to food without the exchange of money. This experience taught me a lot about myself and my motivation and relationship with money, but also gave me insight into our communal values and judgements around money and trends in what it might be we want from society.

Because realistically, I don’t see that work is the motivation of many. People will and are willing to work for money, but it is not the money they seek. It seems to me we seek purpose, connection, freedom of choice, access to resources and status through our work, and if that is not a part of the exchange of the work we do, we are willing to do it less and less.

As I've become more aware of my relationship with and the dynamics of money, as I have had experiences with and without it, I have had to face my shame, guilt, impulsivity, lack of education and personal accountability around the subject. Money has been a source of pain, fear and ecstatic relief at times as it controlled the majority of my choices, mental health and energy levels for most of my life!

Now I am in a void of money where I have spent so long healing the wounds I discovered or being increasingly aware of my connection to it, my conditioning, part of my healing has had to include my relationship with money. I have been through the mill of the emotions of having it, chasing it, avoiding it, the craving and deep desire and longing for it, to total indifference, despair and depression at times.

The work I have done (with community work, healing, recovery and online business) and the experience I have gained have given me some insight into our collective and individual behaviour around money. I see it from the awareness that money does not exist beyond a man-made construct of exchange. Now, it is simply numbers on a screen that have the power to drive the entire world.

Nothing tangible exists within the realm of money beyond power, status, choice and the seemingly main drives of many, freedom and stability.

Money as a source of exchange, value and connection has helped us develop ideas beyond the imagination of most humans who have existed. But I often wonder, what have we done with it? When many of our collective struggles, strain, fear and make themselves ill or even die because of it. The solutions are not simple, which is why I consider the holistic connection, the part money plays in our ecosystem of health and well-being, as individuals and as part of the collective economy.

Money is the source of our food and flourishing in our minds, even beyond the earth that provides it all. We are not, in reality, reliant on it; money can't change the weather or grow the crops we need to eat or build homes. Money does not provide the care we need or the support we crave. But it drives so much of our collective heart and energy.

And still today, there is debate and fear that we can or have not been able to evolve past the need for money, or to create a fair flowing money system that serves the majority, without enabling profound laziness and entitlement. Many believe it is not possible. This belief runs deep in our own and the collective shadow we need to face for that evolution to emerge.

For the past few years, I have existed without much money at all. With the minimum initially, to being denied any social support at all for the past year. I have not made sales in my business, and I have been surviving on what I can from gifts of handouts from family who themselves are not wealthy by any means. I have no idea really how I have survived. I shouldn’t have a home, or my health or be any sort of civilised human.

But I do still have a home, my landlord has been beyond patient and understanding, seeing for himself the lack of options and opportunity that I have to cover my debts despite working with all the energy and focus I have available. This does not mean I am running myself into the ground. The opposite is true; I am intentionally choosing to work with my energy in the smartest, most predictive way I can, given the circumstances of my life.

My health and well-being have never been better since I freed myself from the fear and control the illusion of money had over me. I am prouder now of everything I have accomplished than I ever have been before, despite my obvious failure and lack of success.

What I've found is that even without money and nothing but a vague hope of having any in return for my efforts, I still create and want to be of service. I still want to share what I have. Not more than I can spare, but whatever I can that is of value. My process of healing and recovery has allowed me to create a balance that would not allow me to slip into habits of fear or ideas of greed or sloth. Because neither feeds the soul risen within me.

To have money is preferable, I like money and the freedom, access and security it provides, but I have not found money to be the driving factor of my work. Yes, I want my business to be a success, help people, change perspectives, aid others' healing, and make money. But I have no desire for it to define me, beyond allowing my creative expressions and seeing what would unfold with it. Witnessing the possibility.

I know and see that not everyone is like me. I am not presenting myself as being any standard of virtuous measure. I have had to grapple with my shadow when I see the greed and sloth of others who seemingly have what I don't, and admit I have envied them at times. I have been angry and hurt at the denial of social support I have faced when others with the same conditions are given access. I have judged people with wealth who possess and indulge, and denied I would do the same. I have assumed unfairness and poor morality in others. Not for their choice, but under a guise and belief that, given their circumstances that I would choose better.

But I have realised, we can never know what we would choose in another's shoes. Or on a more profound understanding, perhaps, I have had to accept that we are all one, and we do, we did, and we are choosing this diversity of choice and response to money.

So all that being said, back to my intentions for this blog. When healing and in recovery, I have found money to be an intrinsic and interconnected part of my journey. From the grapples with my conditioning, mindset and shadow work to the practical ability to access treatments and support. I have had to notice where the reality of a lack of money or being given money has helped my healing, and where it has maybe allowed me to stay comfortable, and would then actually impede my healing and progress.

Money to an addict is simply feeding an addiction after all. Giving money to someone who has a condition that might be helped without the incentive to avoid work by declaring it, is a conversation that is difficult and uncomfortable to have (especially without projections, judgment and a caring understanding of the complexity of ill health and the need for time and support at times to recovery).

I have often used money as a basis for my spiritual exploration and to give me a sense of purpose that might lead to the fulfilment I thought following money would bring. But without it, I found it anyway. Money or lack of it is a fuel, often for the healing we need.

It has shown me patterns in my attachment style, lack of responsibility and ignorance I have lived with. It has allowed me to get in touch with what is important for me to survive, really and allowed me to become fearless in a way I never knew was possible. Escaping the illusions and matrix of the money mind has transformed my way of living and thinking profoundly. With money, perhaps I would not have found the same strength, insight and perspective.

As part of a healing journey, being aware of money and what controls us about it can be an insightful and important place to focus. I purposely make Love School a space that is low-cost to access, and I offer free content (such as this) because my experience has led me to know the people I want to help or can most help have experiences like mine.

People who might not have or have had the security of money may well be grappling with the difficult choices of how to find healing and an appropriate therapy or support service with little or no income. Or realise after a period that focusing on money and committing to the sources that provide that money is more harmful than helpful for health, wellbeing, and ultimately finding our fulfilment.

Often, what can’t be filled without money will drain any money we do receive anyway.

I don’t envisage a drastic change any time soon concerning our attitudes around money or the structure of our society in regard to the economy. I imagine there will be more agenda to push people to work, push people into poverty and shame those of us who do not choose to prioritise the pursuit of money. But I have found in my journey to wellness that facing not the reality of my situation, relationship with money and the higher purpose and intention for myself and my healing to have led me to a place of more peace beyond my bank account or cash flow.

It might not be an easy journey for many of us financially or while in recovery to grapple with the dynamics of money, power and status, but I do think it is an important part of our process. Both individually and collectively, while we evolve and grow to find more harmony and a deeper fulfilment and wellness in life.

Additional Resources

If you are interested in more content like this and find yourself facing challenges of mind, energy or wellbeing due to your relationship with money, you might find the following resources helpful to explore:

The Freedom From Illusion Course explores how we are conditioned by the illusions of control and the deeper drives of our ego that can control our lives through coercion and fear.

Our Love Fools Episode with Rebekah Kiger, looks at our attachment style and money blocks.

Love Fools episode exploring Love, Money, Copdependency & God.