In an effort to be liked, kind, good, easy-going or non-judgmental, we can often go along with things that were never meant for us. We are taught to be pleasing to others and be polite, which helps us to gain favour, be accepted and can benefit us in many ways socially. We learn to please our parents, friends, teachers and the systems that support us, regardless of how they might affect us. 

As children, we might interpret and internalise this as the “right” way to be. But not understand the consequences of catering to others at the expense of ourselves. We might fear being “wrong” and never learn how to pay attention to our innate governing and guidance system, our intuition. Instead, always looking externally for cues or instructions on how to think, feel, act or respond from others or the world around us.  

This behaviour can take a toll eventually when we lose touch with our way, our path and knowing what we need or “should” do when no one is around to offer us those cues, advice or support. The conditioning keeps us compliant but stuck as adults. We don’t know how to make decisions without influence and may end up following others' advice that isn’t in our best interests. 

Then that means we are left following others' paths, or navigating circumstances never meant for us. Leading to confusion or disruptive situations. 

It becomes a habit to go along and take the popular approach, hold our opinion or be pleasing to our peers, friends, family or bosses. We accept and tolerate situations that, on a deeper level, cause us stress, anxiety, or we might even feel hatred towards or be disgusted by. 

We are left living out of alignment. 

It begins in our early years when life has less consequence. We are freer to make mistakes, we are growing, have fewer responsibilities and usually have some avenues of support and understanding around us when things get difficult, or we make a mistake. Or if we don’t have support at home and aren't allowed to make mistakes, our friends or institutions will offer the response we want instead. 

This is often why we begin to rely upon and follow the crowd, stay true to these groups or sources of support and validation, because they are there when we face challenges. We feel a sense of belonging even if we are unsure. 

The habit can continue in adulthood when we ignore or are not clear about our values and boundaries. We might have never been taught how to identify them, never been given the opportunity or consideration to reflect upon them. So, we adapt more and more to what life presents to us through these sources.  Learning to be more accepting of everything, everyone and every experience in the hopes of being accepted ourselves, being popular or respected. But the price we pay is that we can completely lose ourselves in the process. 

This can show up in many ways, personally, professionally and as we seek close connections with others. 

These days, we create communities based on our preferences, or our identity or pastimes we enjoy, and we think that is enough to meet people like us. It might be online, in specialised events or in search of meaningful hobbies or interests. It could be to express our political opinions, explore religion, our faith, or to find support for our individual needs. 

And often at first, the mutual connections and shared interests feel good. But as we get to know people or the group more, we begin to see all the ways we aren't actually the same or in agreement. The diversity within our modern world leads to a much higher degree of potential disruptions as people come together. 

Disagreements, contrast and even conflict are natural and to be expected in groups or as people grow and explore life. Differences of ideas are not a problem when we have a strong sense of ourselves, if we have secure boundaries within ourselves. Or when our opinions aren’t taken personally, seen as an attack or used to belittle, reject or exclude us in some way by others. 

But in the modern world of political correctness, inclusivity, and cancel culture prevailing, things have changed. 

We might be expected to always agree, adapt and be tolerant of others or the group culture. Even to the point of going against our sense of self, abandoning our needs, our personal sense of reason, morality or losing touch with our value system. When we fear losing the connections to others, our safety or sense of belonging in a group, and we choose to go along, stay silent and even try adapt ourselves to make up for the difference. This causes a growing level of stress and anxiety that can become difficult to pinpoint or understand down the line. 

Some examples of how this might look could be... 

You join a yoga class and make friends. 

You're going because you want a regular exercise routine, but in the group, others might be there to relax or for a spiritual practice. 

You hate the incense and music they use there, but you like the atmosphere, so don't ever say anything, and you go along. 

Over time, you realise you've adopted some of the habits of listening to the same music or using incense when you practice yoga at home. 

You start to find you have resistance to doing the yoga, start to force yourself to do it, and you notice you develop headaches and fatigue after practising. 

The situation causes you stress, so you quit your yoga practice altogether.

You lose friends, the group you were once connected with, and a hobby you enjoyed that, at one point, did benefit your health.  

It is only later, when you try it again at home without the additional stimulus, that you realise it was the smell and noise that made you feel sick, tired and drained, and you have missed out on the benefit from the yoga practice when you avoided it completely. 

Or it might look like this... 

You decide to spend some time in an intentional community because you are seeking space to explore your creativity and to learn to grow food. 

But when you're there, you notice a culture with a rota and routine you're expected to abide by, and the community has a casual undertone of open sexuality or drug use. 

It doesn't suit you, but you like the people now and the beautiful space, so you spend months trying to fit into the expectations by lowering your boundaries to be more physically responsive and experimenting with things you weren't really interested in. 

Over time, you become anxious, depressed, and angry, and you don't understand why. 

The community start to pick at your lack of contribution and wants to have meetings and conversations highlighting it, but despite trying to go along with what is agreed, you just feel worse. 

Eventually, you leave thinking you are odd, have some sort of disorder or illness, because you can’t connect. You feel rejected, sensitive and are often triggered around other people. You feel the urge to withdraw, repress or nurture the hurt alone, leaving you more isolated than when you started and mistrusting of the idea of community, food sharing or being creative as part of a group. 

Or another way this plays out might be at work. 

You love painting, and it really helps you to relax, so you decide to start a business and host art workshops for stress therapy. 

The first few go great, and you find it really satisfying, but over time, you begin to feel drained being around so many people and get bored with all the explaining you have to do. 

You start to attract fewer clients to the workshops and feel like you're not doing enough, so you start to go on social media to try promote them. 

You get sucked down a social media rabbit hole and spend months learning social media and marketing ideas about how to promote your workshops. 

But it doesn't work well, and not enough people come along to make the workshops viable to cover the costs and the additional marketing time you now have to dedicate. You're drained and bored by your whole business, losing all interest in the creative process you once loved and found helpful. 

Now you're stressed, feeling really depressed and don't have an outlet for yourself to help you feel better. 

So what's the solution? 

Navigating situations like this becomes easier when we have a strong sense of self and clarity about our needs, values, boundaries and intuition. When our experience is self-directed from the internal responses to life rather than by the external circumstances. 

One of the solutions is to get clear about exactly what it is you value and want from life. Consider situations as you experience them or first begin to experience stress or sense something isn’t right for you. We can’t always expect every situation to be perfect or every environment to be curated to our needs. But when you get clear on exactly what does and doesn't support you and where your limits are, you gain more clarity. You can gain a sense of understanding about when and how to express those limits, what is appropriate to ask for accommodations or highlight as an issue, and when to make requests for adjustments. 

You also then get appropriate, honest and often early feedback to know who, what, and where isn’t appropriate for you, so you learn to stop going along with what doesn't feel right for you. 

Your way is the right way, for you. And as we align with our way, find our path, people may come and go. Communities may be needed or not, and they might have a change in importance or significance in our lives. Naturally, we find ourselves drawn towards or away from different people and places as we allow ourselves to grow, but most importantly as we become clearer on who we are, what we need and how we express ourselves through different phases of our lives. 

Many coaches, mentors or therapists will try to offer techniques to help you cope with the effects or manifested symptoms from lowering your boundaries or accommodating others and going against your intuition. 

This is why my Mama Bear Mentorship and Love School is different. We understand the importance of being true to yourself, staying in alignment with your energy. Being authentic and connecting with the path and people that your internal guidance system feels drawn towards and attracted to. 

As we connect with people within our boundaries and value systems, we protect our energy, nurturing our health and well-being, which gives us more confidence and strength. As we grow in this way, we have more capacity to communicate and navigate conflict resolution. Learning how to stay true to our values without abandoning ourselves to others or a crowd. 

When we can keep our intentions clear, be committed to experience life aligned with our vision for our wellness, staying true to our values and boundaries, we allow this to become our reality. 

At times, we need to be connected with people who might not be who we would choose to be around. We might need to stretch ourselves in new ways as we follow our path and purpose, or fulfil our needs and desires in new ways, growing and evolving. But when we do this, knowing who we are, what we stand for, what we will and won’t tolerate and are clear about what behaviour is or is not okay with us, we embody a presence and power that is not only helpful to ourselves but helpful and supportive to the nature and dynamics within the whole group. 

Learning to be true to who we are and developing the skills to express that around others is how we better manage stress, let go of anxiety and trust ourselves, with whatever occurs. Whatever opinions or ideas others might have about us or our opnions ideas, or expressions. 

When we can separate ourselves from the judgments of others and develop a more secure sense of self,  we can avoid being led astray from our path or out of alignment by others. We can also steer clear of controlling or harmful power dynamics, trigger responses or emotional drama that otherwise might control our decision-making or affect how we engage with the world. 

Additional Support

If this blog resonated with you, you might find the following exercise helpful as a first step to connect with your intuition. 

You might also find the dedicated YouTube Playlist, How I Healed Rejection Sensitivity and Bullying Wounds helpful.  

We also have other supportive blog posts you might find helpful. We recommend browsing our blog categories:

• Relationships & Connection

• Identity & Personal Transformation

Our Love School Courses, Healing Through Connection and Being Yourself in Relationships, are designed to guide you through a process of healing in connection that you can follow yourself, at home. 

Our great value bundle, Healing For Connection, brings all these courses and dedicated content together. 

For more personal support, in my 6-month mentorship programme, getting clear on your values and boundaries is one of the main things I help stressed, creative women figure out to go from anxious and confused to clear and focused. We also work on the undercurrents and deeper meanings of these stresses and the events at the core of your discomfort to develop a life design you can use to become clear about what works for you. 

If this sounds like something you need support with, you can use the button below to apply for a place on the programme or read more about Mama Bear Mentorship.