ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS COUNSELLING, TALKING THERAPIES OR PRESCRIBED TREATMENT FOR TRAUMA OR “MENTAL HEALTH” RECOVERY DOESN'T WORK IS BECAUSE OUR EXPERIENCE IS NOT VALIDATED BY PEOPLE WE KNOW UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH. 

First I would like to be clear that I used quotation marks to describe mental health because actually I do not agree at all that common diagnosis for mental health disorders are anything at all to do with mental ill health. 

What conditions such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders are is in fact a very healthy, natural and understandable symptoms manifested from untreated trauma and misunderstood emotional responses.

They aren't actually based in the mind they are responses to what is felt in a body that has become entangled in to the society conditioning that we should be able to think or reason our way out of our innate and primal responses to trauma. 

These responses can't be simply medicated or brain washed away rather what they need is to be validated and understood so then they can be redirected or released as required to cope in more life affirming and appropriate ways. 

Sadly most doctors, councillors, therapists who are trained through book smarts and old psychiatric indoctrination do not understand this and their support can actually invalidate and re-traumatise people making them feel worse and not better. 

We have also been conditioned by society to place these care givers and people with doctorate on a pedestal, almost treating them like gods, never questioning their ideas or practices therefore creating a power dynamic which actually often keeps people in a state of perpetual victimhood. 

This is why many people in western medicine suffer from long term, life time or recurring “mental health” problems or crisis patterns. 

What is more important than just qualifications or training (which is of course important to some degree) is to have someone you connect with, respect and who you know understands you or what you have been through who is also self aware and able to hold space without their own biases. 

Therapy is better when it comes from someone we consider to be our equal or who we can connect with and trust beyond just their credentials. 

This is why being designated a counsellor or therapist can be a literal lottery and can often fail to support us. 

It is not the place of a therapist or councillor of course to give you all the details of their trauma or recovery but very often we feel wether someone has had experiences similar to ours and wether or not they are capable to understand us. 

When someone has been through recovery themselves, integrated it and is thriving beyond it, even if we look up to them or admire them as being beyond where we are now, we know they can relate to us. 

It validates that you can also get where they are and it confirms to us that recovery is possible so you can move on and you can move past the current pain you are in. 

What needs to be validated is not only where you are now but also what you have been through and the appropriate nature of your responses, even if they have gotten extreme or manifested in inappropriate ways at times. 

We also need our future hope, dreams and desire for healing to be validated in order to achieve and more towards it. 

If we can't do this ourselves, this is when choosing a mentor, coach or therapist comes in. 

What a good mentor, coach or therapist can do is not only validate your experience but then provide you with the tools and skills you need in order to validate yourself, for the rest of your life. 

It's the difference between giving someone a fish and teaching them fishing. 

Real, life changing and transformative healing comes from having and using the skills and tools that help us in order to navigate through our experiences and validate our responses to them. 

A great mentor, coach or therapist will also help you to recognise and create boundaries where you have been inappropriate or where your responses have become damaging or harmful to yourself or others. 

This is important. 

But what is also important is that they don't do this through shaming you or dismissing your responses but by trusting you, believing in you and empowering you to be able to recognise, manage and adapt to the realisation of when your responses or behaviours are crossing a line that you have decided you do not want to cross. 

When choosing someone to work with, especially when addressing your most intimate struggles and deep pain, you have to trust them and you have to trust yourself. 

If it doesn't feel right, if the connection is unbalanced, if your gut tells you they won't understand it is very likely not the best fit for you where you are right now. 

Even if you like, respect or look up to the person who you might want to work with or who you have been assigned to work with. 

What's most important is to remember is that being shamed, having your feelings and responses dismissed or being labelled and told you are “incurable” or “broken” or “damaged for life” is a huge red flag and is never, ever going to support your journey towards healing. 

Learning to trust that and walk away from it, as soon as you notice it, especially from care givers is essential.

We always have the right to say no, ask for a second opinion or refuse care from someone or something we don't align with. 

In my six month mentorship programme validating your experience is one of the main things I help trauma and abuse survivors with in order to go from confused and anxious or “mentally ill” to confident, aligned and empowered. 
We also work on gaining clarity what works for you in your healing journey and confidence in expressing yourself, to anyone including care givers and your support circle.