Why You Might Struggle With Recovery Routines

One of the main reasons we have such a disconnect in society around addiction recovery or diet culture, and we might struggle with the pattern of relapse or gaining weight after the initial motivation to begin the change happens, is because the underlying neglect wound we have is not being addressed.

When we begin to accept we are struggling, addicted or are suffering with the consequences of over-indulgence, we understand that we want to change. We consider we deserve better, and begin to recognise a desire for self-love or notice the requirement for a recovery journey, but it can be hard to make the changes. Alternatively, we might begin with a powerful motivational drive, but then fail or relapse and struggle to maintain our intent.

The underlying issue is that we do not know how to provide the sort of motivation and care we need to maintain such change for ourselves, as we lack fundamental life skills. We may consciously understand the need to care for ourselves through nutrition, diet, or exercise, for example, but not know how or have any reference to such a lifestyle. Neglect wounds leave us not only with a sense of lack and unworthiness but with a fundamental lack of skill and knowledge.

People with neglect wounds might not understand discipline or may have developed an unhealthy relationship with disciplined routines or restrictions. Or some people with neglect wounds have no real awareness or understanding of the energy input caring for a human being requires. They may lack the resilience, capacity or struggle to maintain the level of energy commitment it takes to create new habits.

One of the reasons why, at Love School, we adopt the three main foundational understandings of ecosystem mindset, shadow work, and life design is so we can begin to create a long-term strategy and change.

Through the process, we learn through experience and small steps what we need to love ourselves, to understand the practicalities of what we need and the energy it takes to provide them. We also then choose to heal the deeper wounds that might cause us to feel that sense of lack and unworthiness, and to see the whole process of a longer-term life and lifestyle change that will fundamentally guide us to a more advanced level of self-understanding, ability to care, and evolve our maturity and even self-compassion.

As we embark on a journey towards wellness, and we first have that spark of inspiration that we want, need, or deserve better, or we've been faced with the catastrophic result of living within the confines of a neglected mindset, it can feel overwhelming and daunting to begin. Not only that, as wounds are triggered within us, even if we initially manage to stick to some sort of diet or recovery plan, our fall-back mechanism is to self-soothe through, say, the food that we've chosen or the substance we're using to self-regulate. We don’t have or know any alternative ways to cope, or what is helpful or relevant for us.

So, one of the ways to begin this change for long-term success is to avoid being committed to following a specific diet or recovery plan with the mindset that this is the only solution. But rather, begin the process with an understanding that this is an experiment and a learning curve to view ourselves and to gain data and insight on how we respond.

Through the experiment and the process, we learn what works for us, what doesn't, and see how long we can commit to a change. That gives us a baseline, a starting point of self-understanding of where we are, what our needs are, and what our skill level is. This is the beginning process of a life design. Once we have this baseline life design process, we can see when, why, and how we're more likely to lose momentum, be triggered and fall back into old patterns, or become more aware of the wounds of lack of self-trust that then lead us to fall back into old habits.

We might become aware of the need to change our mindset, or understand that we require a new way of thinking, but changing deeply entrenched patterns of an established ego is not always straightforward! Mindset changes alone, such as hypnosis, EFT or affirmation practices, can help. But even then, being aware that beginning a new eating regime or making practical changes isn't going to change the fundamental lack of muscle memory or the neuropathic ways habits created by a neglect wound.

Instead, we would then begin to look at doing shadow work alongside our change or any mindset supportive practices. Shadow work is a process of beginning to identify the wounds we have, question our responses, understand our adopted coping mechanisms and their relevance to us. We can begin to understand the beliefs, the conditioning behind the reasons why we initially chose to do that.

As we embark on this process, we get a deeper understanding of ourselves again. We can also begin to meet those inner child wounds that cause and drive the neglect-driven behaviour of overconsumption or addiction to allow for deep healing and release.

When we do this deeper healing of shadow work, alongside any recovery plan or diet plan with the mindset of an experimental life design, it takes pressure away from the process of reaching a goal in a certain time. Instead, committing to a step-by-step approach leads us towards a more fundamental, foundational life support system as we slowly and intentionally create new habits, break old habits and release any of the driving factors behind the initial motivations to overindulge.

Additionally, people who were neglected often didn’t get the things that they wanted, needed and desired. For example, if you were neglected due to financial constraints and you weren't allowed treats or had less food or safety available than you needed, it can create a symptomatic longing for the thing and when we do have it builds a strong association of fulfilment. So when, as an adult, you do have money and buy them or provide them for yourself, the validation that thing brings creates a false sense of fulfilment and satisfaction that is beyond the reality of what it provides in a more fulfilled lifestyle.

There is a sense when we are trying to follow a strict diet or recovery regime that we are punishing or neglecting ourselves again when the underlying wound of unworthiness isn't met. As we heal the wound of unworthiness, and we know that our worth is not tied to our fulfilment, comfort level or satisfaction, we can make new associations.

When a deeper sense of self-love and acceptance can emerge. Where we want better health and overall wellbeing, and to avoid negative consequences in our lives. We are more likely to make healthier choices.

This is why it goes hand in hand to focus more on lifestyle change and long-term success than following a strict regime, because little slips may well happen due to triggering, stress, or not having a replacement coping mechanism yet. And, it is okay to treat yourself sometimes! It is okay to allow yourself to indulge sometimes, and the life design process allows us to find that balance of when we might not follow the diet and when we want to. Developing a much healthier relationship with ourselves, which leads to longer-term success.

Neglect wounds can also come in different forms. We can be emotionally neglected or neglected by proxy. In the busy culture we have created in the western world, where we don’t have active, present parents, perhaps both parents work and we do not get adequate attention, guidance or reassurance, we can be neglected.

We can also be neglected by detached, avoidant or dissociated parents due to their trauma or stress. We can have huge gaps in our awareness of how to self-regulate, process emotions or self-soothe in healthy ways. Due to being raised by institutions (like at school or nursery from a young age) or in group circumstances like in childcare, or even due to a lack of our parents' ability or knowledge in child development or due to their limitations.

We can also face neglect wounds by parents who have physically provided for our needs through adequate food and housing, but never actually taught us how to provide for ourselves. In middle-class households where both parents are busy and we are not prioritised, we can develop this sense of lack or unworthiness. We may have been constantly passed on to childminders or other caregivers who do not have the same intimate bond that develops through hands-on parenting or been neglected simply due to the lack of attention we get as individuals. We may have been put in front of the TV or a device to occupy us that does not support our natural development of life skills or emotional bonding, causing a neglect wound.

We may have been offered many physical or material resources, but never been allowed the opportunity to learn how to provide this for ourselves.

For example, we may have always been fed but were never taught how to go shopping for food, how to prepare food and store food or cook food, and all we ever know is how to eat. We might never have been shown how to fix things, or build or have any understanding of the energy exchange that's involved in caring for ourselves.

When we are not allowed that period of stumbling and even failing to meet our needs at times due to our inadequacies, and lack of skill through the learning process, we can develop learned helplessness wounds. These experiences would normally push us to mature and grow and develop these life skills for ourselves instead of constantly having to outsource this to other people.

Another way this might manifest in a lack of skill to take care of ourselves through neglect wounds is a constant need to outsource. This can be a form of self-soothing or a lack of competence. We may have a lack of emotional skill with a deficit in self-regulation, responsibility or accountability skills that can come from this busy-ness culture. That might lead us as adults to constantly want to outsource our sense of self-control.

At times, that might be necessary to seek support from others or hire people with advanced skills if we don't have them, but part of the life design process allows us to learn the skills so we don't have to rely on that constantly.

For example, as we develop our understanding of nutrition, cooking and our own diet and exercise needs, we don't constantly have to rely on a diet plan or rely on a personal trainer. Or when we develop self-inquiry or self-development skills, we don't constantly have to rely on a mentor, therapist or counsellor.

This doesn't mean we won't discern and pick and choose when we do use other people's knowledge, use other people's skills, but we don't need to, to make the changes that we need for long-term success, because we have developed the life skills.

As somebody who was neglected due to a lack of financial resources, emotional support and development, and a lack of pleasure and intimacy bonding. One of the ways I have found to create a healthier dynamic with my food, to overcome addictions, and to commit to an exercise and movement lifestyle, is to not completely deny myself of things that bring me comfort or pleasure. And to learn how to use these things to self-soothe in an appropriate way.

Through my life design process, I've learned to find the balance of where I will and won't allow myself these pleasures, these indulgences. And I've found for myself that trying to deny myself something can or used to trigger more wounds, causes a more drastic rebellion against myself and my goals than simply allowing the indulgence at times.

So instead, over time I've learned to let go of the idea of needing to be perfect, let go of the idea of needing to stick to strict regimes, to gain knowledge and understanding of both myself and nutrition and recovery and adapt that in different ways as and when I see fit.

If it becomes a struggle, or as I was beginning to try and implement a new habit, I would aim for an 80/20 commitment. To commit to being stricter with myself 80% of the time and allow freedom to choose 20% of the time. Now I am at a point I trust can allow myself complete freedom with this as I can self-regulate and understand my natural flow and patterns, which is mostly wellness-focused, and I trust that!

Rather than deny myself something as some sort of punishment, or feel like a failure and feed unworthiness wounds if I slip, which I've found never works, I'm constantly learning to lean into different ways of love. And we talk about this often at Love School. Love can be both nurturing and allowing (feminine) and disciplined and restricting (masculine) to meet our longer-term wellness goals.

When we use the ecosystem mindset, the shadow work, and the life design process together, we find a better sense of harmony. Where we can still improve our lives, involve, let go of harmful habits, but then not feel so bad about ourselves, or feed ideas of woundedness or feed any ideas of unworthiness or a lack of value, for simply for wanting something that we enjoy, wanting something that soothes us and gives us pleasure. Particularly for people who do have neglect, wounds, finding this balance is really important, and this is why the Love School process really helps.

Additional Resources

If you are struggling with your diet and overeating, or have an addiction and are struggling to begin a recovery process due to feelings of overwhelm, being afraid, or not feeling good enough. Or you have struggled with relapse, or committing to recovery for long-term success. Or you are realising you may not have a foundational understanding of how to take care of yourself, we have courses at Love School that can support this entire process.

Our Natural Holistic Recovery course can help you design a complete, holistic life design process.

We also have a course dedicated to those deeper wounds, the Healing Inner Child and Reparenting course or our free Introduction to Inner Child Healing Masterclass might support your understanding of this work.

Our Recovery by Design Bundle, is a full package of dedicated recovery courses and content focused on Life Design processes and tools.

The entire Love School Curriculum is going to focus on healing all of these wounds as part of an ecosystem mindset required for this sort of long-term, sustainable change, evolution, and recovery.