Grooming & Transactional Relationships

Without realising it many of us have been entangled in some sort of grooming or transactional relationships. 

These don't always have to be part of early sexualisation and childhood abuse, more so that these types of relationships have become commonplace in our exchanges with children. 
If we have been intentionally groomed to tolerate neglect or accept abuse, taking time to understand the process, unravel it and see the effect these relationship interactions had upon us can be very beneficial to healing. 

This blog is intended to highlight the types of relationships and transactions or expectations we might have in relationships with an imbalance of power.

Knowing and seeing these dynamics can help us to free ourselves from the engagements in them and heal any wounds created through them. 

The grooming process is a covert way to control and manipulate others, particularly children, to exert control over them. Normally this dynamic plays out when the adult uses attention, praise and pleasant physical experiences to build a trusting bond with a child so they do not want to risk losing them (or the good feelings attached to them) if harm is done to them later.

Grooming is creating a relationship where love, attention or affection is transactional, where one party is subjected to an environment where it is difficult for them to honour their internal process due to the risk of losing the positive connection or attached gains that they value in the relationship. It is a strong bond that is created because the external and past situations create an internal validation system, that has been built around the foundations of the relationship involved. 

Love is an action of giving protection and nurture. It requires no reciprocity and there are no transactions involved. We offer our ourselves as a service to the other and expect nothing in return. When love becomes transactional, especially when we attach unspoken expectations to our actions it enters the realm of manipulation and in some more extreme or serious cases abuse and neglect. It is unfair to the other party involved and can cause harm. Unless we are honest, upfront and clear in our intentions of giving and what we require in return we are not entering into a loving relationship. 

Often because we have been groomed in subtle ways ourselves as we grow into adulthood and engage in our relationships we do not see the transactional nature we have attached to them. We are not aware of it. Naturally, we replicate what we know and have learned and through a lack of awareness we can begin grooming the children in our care unintentionally. When we begin to relate to children in this way we then begin to perpetuate cycles of abuse and neglect we were covertly subject to, without meaning to. 

It is never ok to assert our preferences over someone else's to gain from their losses, especially when the other is a child who relies upon our protection and nurture to stay safe and thrive. As adults, we must set an example and hold space for loving supportive relationships, especially with children in our care, no matter what the circumstance. We rarely need to override the best interest of another or a child to meet our intention or objective unless we are not behaving as balanced and aware adults. 

Whether at home or at school if a child is uncomfortable, is afraid or needs to withdraw consent from a situation, they must be able to express that. Caregivers have a duty of care to respond to that request whenever we are able. If we are not able to we have to explain why and find an amicable resolution that serves both ourselves and negates the discomfort of the child. At times when it is in our belief, in our best interests to override the consent and experience of the child we care for, we must express our reasoning why, in an age-appropriate way, so they understand our perspective. If we don't it causes trauma to the child. 

Even in seemingly unimportant situations or ways we think are harmless, engaging in this behaviour can build and cause a potentially harmful environment. A child needs a healthy environment to grow and space to explore their own experience and how they safely relate to others. This environment can be created by the caregivers around them and is provided through non-transactional, loving relationships. This process of holding space in relationships is vital for raising integral, honest and reliable children who are safe and who know how to create safety as adults or with other children. By holding space in this way we reduce the likelihood of abuse or that an abused child will not seek help. 

 To divert from the grooming process in the relationship from adult to child we must see both parties as equally important in the arrangement. We must be sure of our intentions and expectations and vocalise them in an age-appropriate way to the child. It is never ok to ask a child to keep your relationship or interactions a secret. If you feel this is necessary, you the adult are not acting in your integrity which is important when in a position of responsibility to care for children. 

It may seem harmless to attach transactions to our relationships with children if we think that our actions are in their best interest or to make things easier for ourselves. This is a false justification. It is always in the best interest of the child for them to stay present and participate in their experience. At the heart of wellbeing is the ability to express ourselves, our feelings and experiences and to be free to reject or deny experiences that feel unwanted or harmful. This is true no matter what our age. 

Of course, with young children and infants, we need to be able to over-ride the natural impulses of a child that could cause harm or put them in danger. It can seem easier for us to use positive reinforcement to improve a young child's behaviour, this teaching method is healthy for the most part but not if the positive behaviour is then denied if the child does not comply with your will, as a threat. This is when the relationship has become transactional and this dynamic can play out in many ways with young people (or in any relationship) without our conscious awareness.

Instead, we must separate our giving (of reinforcement, nurture and protection) from our discipline and not use bribery to override a negative emotional expression from a child, ever. This process of non-transactional caregiving can seem challenging when so many small unspoken interactions and expectations are placed on each other as adults functioning in our day-to-day lives. It is this attitude of transferring adult dynamics to child relationships that has caused environments to be unsafe and that lead to the abuse and neglect of children in more serious situations.

Non-transactional, safe, secure, loving relationships are the counter to grooming. 

Prefer Video Content?

Check out this video explaining more about Transactional Relationships & Grooming

If you are interested in exploring how early transactional relationships or grooming may be affecting you as an adult and how to heal those wounds through inner child healing and reparenting we have the perfect course for you!

Take a look at our Inner Child Healing Course for more information.