Our ego is the part of ourselves that we show to others. It is the mask we wear to appear a certain, more preferable way. We might want to “look sensible” or “be seen as professional,” for example, and we create an ego self constructed from the socially acceptable parts of ourselves. Our ego is formed through what we identify with. What we learn is “good” or “bad” or more accurately, what we learn gets us approval, attention and support, and what does not. 

Our ego is created mostly through pain or distress and, in its essence, is a defence mechanism, formed through wounding of some sort. 

It is directly related to the shame we carry about ourselves.  As we experience life and interact with others, we learn what is preferable, approved of or safe to show about ourselves. All the things (parts of ourselves, emotions, habits or ways of thinking) that we think make us not good enough, unacceptable, undesirable or unwanted (to ourselves or others), we hide. We do this to improve our status or defend ourselves, as a form of social protection, and we begin to actively curate who we are or appear to be in the world. 

The ego is the character we create that becomes our “self”. 

Our ego is usually a necessary part of life and being human. We need to learn what is socially acceptable to a certain degree. We want to understand what helps us in life and what behaviour or ways of being that might cause us to be rejected or harm us (or others) in some way. It is a natural part of growing to create an ego.

But our ego is not always correct. It is not constructed through logic or considered analysis of situations that unfolded or accurate representations of our behaviour and how it was received, or the context of the circumstances. Instead, the ego is created and fuelled by the strong emotions that arise as a result of experiences and the associations and often assumptions we make in those moments. 

And our ego is formed initially as children so our perspective, insight and emotional capacity are limited. 

As children, our ego is created by all the things we learn that we are told or we discover are “bad” or we perceive as bad, and we are punished for. Or when we are praised or rewarded in some way for certain behaviours or traits. This can be obvious or subtle and directly related to the attention we receive (positive or negative) by our parents, caregivers or influential people around us, such as siblings, teachers or our family, peers and friends. 

So if our parents find relief in our humour, we can create an ego around being funny, for example. If we sense a parent is threatened in some way by our success, if a sibling bullies or humiliates us for being clever, we might create an ego that hides our intelligence to gain favour in our family. If our friend group favours or praises “originality” we can create an ego around being different. The identity we construct can be complex and nuanced. 

But because our ego is constructed in childhood, and based on childhood interpretations, vulnerability or our younger perceptions that lack nuance and understanding, the first ego is most vulnerable. It often changes and can also be different depending upon our environment because it is based on childhood constraints and limitations we face, and the fear and requirement we have to gain approval from others for our safety and survival.  It can be weak, vulnerable, and also become fixed. 

This doesn’t mean that it does not have a powerful stronghold over us. In fact, it can be the opposite. The weaker and more vulnerable our ego, the deeper our shame, the more we will defend ourselves and therefore the more fixed and stubborn our ego can become. 

We can live in fear and terror of anyone even knowing the “real us” so much so, we don’t even truly know who we are ourselves!

This is when we often have to face a crisis to change. Our stubborn, vulnerable ego can lead us to destroy ourselves or our lives rather than face the fears and shame that created the version of ourselves everyone else sees and knows. 

For example, my ex-partner had developed anxiety, and it was becoming so bad that he was having panic attacks and was unable to leave the house. When I asked him what was going on, since he had been fine when we met, he explained that meeting me and being in a couple meant he was crippled by “who he should be”. It didn’t make sense to me, so as I probed further, it became clear that he had a version of himself that he showed to family, one to friends, one at work and one for his ex-girlfriend. And now a new version for me.  

Since we had become more serious and lived together, and therefore I was there when he was with family or friends and at work, he felt so constricted by fear of which version he “should” be that it caused him panic attacks! He wanted me to see him in such a particular way (he was hiding his addictions), the idea that I would see a different version than the one he was presenting to me, was making him more and more unwell. He couldn’t stand the thought of his friends or family seeing him as he was with me (competent and sober) he felt ashamed and like he would be judged for being different and improving himself. 

The pressure of his anxiety and his wildly different personalities, and the powerful emotions that were slowly emerging and causing terrible consequences, ended up destroying our relationship, and he lost his job. It turned our lives upside down. Ultimately, he chose his family and friends over our connection (rightly so, since it had become so toxic), so I don’t know how it ended for him! But I know I was left picking up the pieces of my life and needing to do a lot of inner work to understand this dynamic. 

When we are ready to heal, we need to evolve. Be open to change and being wrong. 

In contrast to our ego self, we have our higher self, our soul, if you like. Our intelligence, logical self that knows humans are complex, people make mistakes, diversity is natural, and we are never perfect. That self has little shame, even when it makes mistakes it can simply adjust, learn and make amends. It knows its worth and feels strong enough to cope with life, rejection or any challenges it faces. 

The process of growing into our higher self and beyond our ego is a form of spiritual, energetic and psychological evolution.

We can tell the difference between our ego and our higher self, usually due to the emotions present with our state of being or how we are speaking. Our ego monitors, corrects, defends, justifies, explains and replays stories. It also criticises, condemns and judges itself and others, always seeking to be right and often claiming some higher sense of superiority, knowing or morality. 

We feel the ego often through shame or anger; it will feel like a fast, swift woosh of hot or warm energy or a pit of the stomach sinking feeling. 

We can, of course, have a healthy ego. A sense of self that is presented to the world, that forms our character and identity. And we can tell if we have a healthy ego based on our health and well-being. Whether we are in alignment with our better knowing and living in integrity with our morality and wellness. A healthy ego is supportive, will have balance, generally feel successful, and we (and others) can see it is benefiting us. 

In contrast, if we are not well, the ego will cause us to face challenges, rejection, fear, and even cause us to struggle and suffer. Our ego can limit us, make us feel weak, reinforce a weakness or vulnerability and refuse to see ourselves as able to grow, learn, change or get better. It might blame the world, everyone or everything else for how they are or their struggles without ever looking inward or changing in response. This type of ego can seem very limited, or sound pathetic and is often referred to as a "victim mentality”. 

We can also have an inflated ego. An ego that is built on shame but responds by making us appear bigger, better or more competent than we are. The ego is over-inflated when we have to see ourselves as the best. But even then, an inflated ego is still fragile. 

We see our ego through behaviour,  when we are living small and defensive of our inferiority or inflated and defensive of our own greatness. We can see signals of a weakened or unhealthy ego when we are stubbornly weak or remain in states of being unwell (due to our choices) and almost embrace being ill. 

The reason understanding this is important is because it is our ego, our defensive self, that would rather have an unhealthy, unwelcome circumstance that is predictable based on our past experiences, so much so that it would sabotage our efforts to heal. 

It will convince us we can’t get or be better, it will discredit the sources of healing we want to try or invest in, it will come back around again and again (as a pattern or habitual way of being) to try and ruin us with shame, criticism and the temptation of old habits. 

In this case, to heal, the ego needs to be broken and rebuilt. 

To break an ego, we need to allow our identity to die. We need to break through from one level of awareness to another. We need to evolve and relearn, knowing that what we currently know is not serving us or is not enough to maintain us where we are. To try new things, be different and risk exploding parts of ourselves and being vulnerable to being less than perfect or revealing and addressing our deepest fears and shame. 

Identity is not fixed; a rigid identity is part of a wounded ego construct. We can choose to behave in new ways, make new choices, try new things, learn, and experiment. The ways we were rejected or hurt as children, the ways we were vulnerable when we were small and reliant or dependent, are not the same when we are adults. 

Although we can form an ego at any age, our ego itself changes as we grow up. Often in those moments, it changes when our worldview might be shattered. We face undeniable evidence that we are or have been wrong. These moments give us a choice to reform something new or to double down and construct deeper, darker layers of ego. 

We need some aspects of identity and ego to function in the world, but it should be healthy, adaptable and functional; it should keep us safe and well, without compromising our integrity, health or well-being.

A healthy ego has character and allows movement, growth, and change. 

We can deconstruct our ego through shadow work, a process of making the unknowns of our psyche, our beliefs, motivations, fears and shame, known. Bringing light and awareness to the things we avoid or hide from others. Aspects of ourselves are rejected in our psyche due to the emotional process our ego goes through as it is formed. 

When we know why we are doing what we are doing, or why we have rejected parts of who or how we are, we are presented with a choice. The choices allow us to accept and integrate and accept these aspects and traits of ourselves or further reject those parts. 

The healing process comes from accepting and integrating those rejected parts of self so we can become more whole and accepting of our humanity. This might mean that we admit to our flaws, expose our vulnerabilities or make amends and take accountability for the ways in which we are less than competent or when we make mistakes. 

Shadow work also represents the process of moving from darkness (ignorance) to enlightenment and being able to see more of reality, understand who we are and connect with our soul. So our soul is making decisions rather than the constructed or false self. When this happens, we become more able to adapt and more capable of accepting life's twists and turns as a journey of growth and self-discovery. 

The soul is fluid… more like water and air that flows and expands, so as we tap into a more fluid and open way of being and thinking we can change, heal and grow. 

Additional Support 

To understand more about how our identity can affect our healing potential, I recommend you read more of our dedicated blogs by browsing the category Identity & Personal Evolution. 

We explore the ego, shadow work and how it supports a healing process as we evolve our identity through several of our courses and content at Love School. 

To better understand shadow work, I recommend our free masterclass, An Introduction to Shadow Work. 

We also go into more detail about the ego and how to evolve our ego identity for healing in our courses.

Building Energetic Power explores this from a spiritual and energetic perspective. 

When we consider our psyche and how the ego is formed in the mind, we explain this in the following courses:

Freedom From Illusions explores power dynamics, control, manipulation, and how we create our reality through our mind and perceptions.

Complex Trauma Recovery considers holistic recovery from trauma with a section covering the mind, mental health and how ego wounds shape our trauma responses.

Inner Child Healing & Reparenting is dedicated to reconditioning our original childhood ego states and healing core wounds.

Our dedicated bundle, Complete Mental Makeover, includes all of these courses and offers a complete process of reconstructing and reconditioning the mind for better health and wellness.