Imagine the scene. I'm perched, on the toilet seat like a leprechaun on a toadstoo in a tiny, locked toilet room. I’m also smoking a spliff, shaking. I'm terrified. I'm trying to get the smoke out the tiny window without it being noticed because I shouldn't be smoking inside.

I'm smoking because I've so much anxiety and fear coursing through me I need to calm down. It’s late at night but I can't sleep without passing out stoned and I'm here having a panic attack because it's illegal but I'm too afraid to go outside and smoke.

By the way, I'm in my business's work office, where I'm crashing due to currently sofa surfing but shouldn't be since it's commercial premises. I've been told by the landlord I can't smoke on the roof outside (where we had been) due to 'health and safety concerns' and I'm so filled with fear from rape trauma that I can't smoke on the street outside because it's Friday night and there are lots of drunk men hanging about the pizza shop next door.

This was one of the lowest moments of my life and I remember it vividly.

I have to admit I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown from masking so much anxiety while trying to run the business that had gotten too big for me. I was trying so hard to keep everything together and seem perfect, while also not doing anything to overcome my now pronounced trauma symptoms.

The symptoms were seeping out into my work life and had already ruined my home life. My partner and I had been evicted from where we were living due to an aggressive trigger response I had, ultimately leading to a breakdown of our relationship and our break up.

I was also pretty sure at this stage of my self-discovery journey that I was autistic but I was afraid, I had no idea what that meant for me and my future. And of course, I'm here on the toilet indulging my weed addiction that was the only thing getting me through each day... but also limiting me and filling me with shame.

I was broken. I couldn't see a way out or through any of it, and my brain was shutting down. My body was in overdrive and couldn't settle at all. I honestly thought I was trapped, doomed to suffer and couldn’t see any way out. 

I knew I needed help, but didn't know where to look or who to trust to find it. I'd already been misdiagnosed by the NHS and they weren't helping me at all with trauma symptoms... only offering pills (which had previously contributed to a suicide attempt and other awful symptoms) a 12-week waiting list for 6 talking therapy sessions (that I’d already tried and didn’t help at all) or another year to wait for another psychological assessment.

I was alone and scared, but I knew I wanted better for myself; I wanted to heal and had to find a way to help myself. 

So I did ultimately. This story has a happy outcome: Seven years later, I am well, recovered, healing, and comfortable in my neurodivergent skin.

It was a challenging road at times to get from there to where I am now. Piecing together alternative approaches to health and wellbeing. Seeking trustworthy holistic resources that respected my spiritual expression and unique way of seeing the world. I didn’t want to be repressed or changed; I wanted to be free and confident to be myself. It seemed to be acceptable that I needed to always pretend and hide who I was, what I truly thought about life and how I felt about my experiences. 

This challenge led me to explore alternative ideas and modalities of healing and understand my personal experiences more deeply. I found a lot of helpful insights that were not common knowledge or in the mainstream awareness. This is why I am writing this blog, to share all I do and provide alternative solutions to other people who might see some of themselves in this story. 

This blog is not about me; it is about showing you how terrified I was and what is possible when experiencing anxiety and feeling helpless, but also clinging to the idea of getting well and hoping for recovery. 

I had wanted to be saved, I think at this point. Some single easy solution to soothe my feet and pain. But that was not what I found to help me. I had been chasing quick fixes already, the smoking, meditation, affirmations, EFT, spiritual healing, and it helped… but I was here years into that and still unwell. 

After seeing myself in this situation, my awareness was opened. It started from this point of realisation that I needed help, and it was down to me to give it to myself.

I remembered that a couple of years before, I had a phobia of spiders. I had just started a community garden project and they were everywhere. I realised that I couldn't run the project and be afraid of spiders and bugs or all the silly little things I was fearful of in the garden. Especially while gaining respect as a knowledgeable leader and living by the values I hold, that all nature has a place.

I remembered that to overcome the phobia: 

• I started to learn about spiders, I looked at pictures of them, watched them and allowed myself to be near or get close to small spiders then bigger and bigger ones. I exposed myself to them in a safe, controlled way. 

• Any time I was afraid or began to panic, I would tell myself how much bigger and more powerful I am than they are. 

• I'd remind myself of all the amazing things I'd learned about spiders, the things that they could do and how helpful they were to the garden. 

• I'd affirm my values, explain and validate (to myself) why it was important for me to respect these creatures. 

• I'd breathe and calm myself down physically. 

• I’d visualise and imagine myself in a safe bubble of protection.

So I used this, remembering to support my recovery from anxiety and face my neurodiversity fears and rape trauma symptoms. I used the same principles.

It took time to do this. It wasn’t an overnight process! I stopped seeking quick fixes and committed to real recovery. I began to take back control over my life:

• I faced the reality of my fears and the potential consequences of my decisions. 

• I began to choose to improve myself and strengthen my weaknesses by learning new skills and expanding my knowledge. 

• I sought out appropriate professional help and dedicated rape trauma therapy, using the charitable support available to me. I’d research online, take advantage of free content and buy additional therapy when I could afford it. 

• I did bodywork to release trapped trauma and emotions. 

• I found the confidence to make a stand and speak out against injustices against me, holding others accountable for the consequences of their choices and actions. 

• I learned about my neurodiversity and adapted my lifestyle and a new way of thinking to work for me and affirm my values. 

• I understood how to meet my needs and care for myself properly.

• I did energy work to imagine a better life for myself, using all the forces of nature and spirit available to me. 

• I prayed for strength and direction to guide me through the process. 

We might all have a different path to recovery, but recovery and freedom from anxiety is always possible. 

Anyone can take control of their anxiety through a dedicated and holistic approach to choosing their wellness and cultivating inner strength. But it has to start with a decision to face the real fears we have. 

Part of that might be to consider the consequences of our choice to think, feel and respond to life differently. But one piece of advice that helped me was that my rape counsellor said, "You've been living with the consequences of avoiding your fear for 25 years!” 

We don’t know what new consequences can emerge from healing and growing, but we do know choosing to remain afraid keeps us anxious and creates situations we already know we do not want!

This is where I found true anxiety relief comes from: 

• Facing our reality, learning and adapting from a clearer perspective of knowledge and insight. 

• Choosing to believe in our healing and ability to overcome anything life throws at us, and affirm and support ourselves as we do that. 

• Using all the resources available to us, including spiritual tools. 

• Deciding to be ourselves, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable without masking, avoiding life or giving in to our fears.

Embarking on a healing journey takes courage and perseverance at times, but the rewards are great. After it all, we have gained confidence, strength, resilience and an ability to respect and honour ourselves, our peace and build self-esteem. 

When we commit to this process, we not only deserve the rewards we gain, but we are also ready to embody them!

Additional Support

At Love School, your healing and empowerment are important to us and our courses and resources are designed to share the wisdom and knowledge we gained while being a trustworthy guide for your healing journey. 

We think you might find the following courses helpful when seeking freedom from anxiety:

The Daily Wellness Flow offers a process of self-care with guided, practical steps daily that allow you to follow a life design process. We connect with nature, pay attention to ourselves as we nurture, and meet needs, and we focus on good habits, better health and overall, holistic well-being for a more stable, balanced lifestyle.

The process is specially designed for beginners and is an introduction to natural, holistic recovery.

The Freedom from Illusion Course opens your mind to how we are controlled by fear, helping you to connect with reality and your inner compass to find strength and truth in a world of control, coercion and illusion. Sign up for the waiting list now!

Anxiety can often be a symptom of ongoing trauma responses due to complex trauma in our past. We have adeciated course where we explore natural, holistic recovery and offer private space and regular support sessions to support your journey to heal.

Join us on the Complex Trauma Recovery Course.

Building Your Energetic Power is a guided process to develop your power and connect with spirituality and nature in a balanced, empowering way.

The course helps us build confidence, love and intuition to trust our internal compasses when healing or as we navigate life. Join the waitlist to be notified when the course is ready to access.