Understanding Bullying When We Are Healing

One thing I wasn’t expecting as I began to heal, become more confident and share my experiences in alternative and natural recovery was the amount of defensiveness, bullying or outright attacks and censorship I would face from others!

For me, learning to heal the wounds beneath the triggers each of these experiences highlighted for me has allowed me to navigate my authentic expression with more peace and confidence. 

I realised once I had opened myself to the process of healing and the deep, healing of shadow work that through others, my experiences were showing me exactly what I needed to work on and how to heal. 

At first, when it happened it was a shock! I was naive, unprepared and didn’t expect it at all! To me, it seemed like people would be able to easily insult, trigger and hurt me exactly where it would cause the most harm. Initially, it was scary, painful and disruptive. I would shy away, need to recover and I felt awful for days or even weeks at times. 

At some point, I realised that the things I was being challenged about, the themes or the ideas were directly related to private spiritual messages and guidance I was getting. I noticed it wasn’t a coincidence. 

These events were happening for me to learn and they were showing me gaps in my knowledge, understanding or wounds I need to heal. 

I realised I needed to use them to grow, although that is easier said than done! I would intentionally share my insights and sometimes I would get the odd comment or challenge but when I was prepared, they didn’t happen. 

What would cause the biggest reactions or responses from others was often when I didn’t expect it at all. When I made an off-the-cuff comment or was just speaking naturally or responding from a new place of growth. Then the attacks would come! They happened in person, in work situations, online and mostly very randomly so I wasn’t or couldn’t prepare. 

I have had to learn to regulate myself in these situations and I have also chosen to dive into them and do shadow work around the themes, the specific comments or language that triggered me most and I have also experimented with different responses over the years!

Some of the responses I have tried have been to ignore or block people, to explain or attempt to engage with compassion, and sometimes I have directly argued or confronted them. It has depended on the circumstances and my energy levels, level of development and intuition. I have learned that all of these responses can feel right for me at different times and will generally choose what feels right based on my intuition now.

Once I was less triggered by the events I began to detach from them and get curious. I noticed a pattern of how people would respond to me. I now consider it is generally related to their level of perception or growth and I rarely take responses personally. 

I find benefit from these events or negative feedback as I use all rejection as a form of redirection and realignment for me and confirmation of my own path or as a way to affirm what I know or where I need to consider myself or an idea further. 

The Pattern

I noticed that before people are self-aware or when they are very young and/or immature people will almost always attack in the following areas:

1. The external circumstances you are experiencing, that you are not in control of. This is directly related to your karmic circumstances when considering this from a spiritual perspective.  For example,

   • Where you are from. 

   • Your family. 

   • Your circumstances of birth. 

To heal these wounds I found it’s important to make peace with our beginnings. With this attack, we are being invited to consider our relationship with things we can’t control and what we can learn from them. 

The shadow work would be around becoming more about how we process unfortunate events, judge ourselves or others and regulate the difference between ourselves as being separate from our circumstances. 

2. The external circumstances you are experiencing, that you are in control of. This is directly related to your power to overcome your karmic circumstances as an adult.  For example,

   • Where you live.

   • Who you spend time with. 

   • How you cope with life. 

   • Your employment status, work or income. 

   • Your possessions. 

To heal these wounds look at the choices you are making. Find your empowerment to change your circumstances and regulate your expectations of how change can happen. You are being invited here to self-evaluate your external environments and relationships and understand where you do have the power to change and what you choose for yourself. 

It is an opportunity to find strength in your choices and build self-validation. It is also an opportunity for self-acceptance and to make peace with where we currently are, and perhaps deep dive into the shadow work of why we are here and if it is aligned with our best interests to stay where we are. 

Once you have established a level of confidence around your external circumstances and people realise they can not attack you based on insecurities around this they will start to get personal and attack you as an individual. 

I have noticed again, depending upon their level of self-awareness the attacks tend to follow a pattern  in the following areas

3. Your body, how you look or your appearance. People who have insecurities about their body or how they look to others, and those who are stuck in a shallow perspective of people will tend to attack here. For example, 

   • Your size, body shape or physicality (hair, race, weight etc etc). 

   • Your clothes, accessories or personal style. 

To heal wounds around the body, learning to love the physical aspects of our experience as the host so we can be alive is very helpful! Also considering the need for embracing diversity and seeing beyond our preferences of appearance to appreciate the physical in many forms. 

This is also a call to self-care. Learning self-love, self respect, giving your body what it needs, cherishing yourself and showing yourself appreciation regardless of the standards of others you may or may not meet in regard to their judgements of your physical attractiveness. 

Being able to see and grow beyond shallow behaviour and challenging your own self critic in this area will help. I also found that embracing my own sense of style and unapologetically dressing how I want to without following fashion or expectations was empowering for me. 

4. Your mind, how you think, your intelligence, comprehension or competence. When people are attacking from there they will generally begin to pick at your worldview, academic achievements or lately your mental health! For example,

   • Your education or qualifications.

   • Your credibility, past experience or reputation. 

   • Name calling or suggesting you are “stupid” “ignorant” or “mentally disturbed” seem to be some favourites in this area. It’ll be a suggestion you don’t know much or aren’t thinking in an approved way. 

To heal this wound, getting clear on your thought processes, becoming more analytical or embracing that fact you are not inclined this way can help. Spending time considering all different types of intelligence and knowing where you shine will help build confidence. This aspect of attack is often linked with the current social trends of placing academics, scientists and doctors on pedestals (we can consider the agenda for this) so being clear on your self worth and worldview will help. 

Often deeper wounds here are around our experiences at school or our work and career. We are being invited to consider how we have learned to process our own achievements or any “failures” we have experienced.  

5. Our beliefs, our moral compass and our perceived power or status. The final attack almost always comes from people regarding our spirit or energy. When people have embarked on more of a spiritual perspective this is often what they will focus on. For example, 

   • Suggestions of hatred, intolerance or malicious intent. 

   • Claims you lack conscience or are a “bad” person. 

   • Suggestions of privilege or assumptions of a lack of evolved experience. 

I have found the wounds of these attacks more easily healed as I have embraced my spiritual journey. If you have a background of imposed religious morality or expectations in this area this is an opportunity to consider your internal and personal moral compass. You might want to become clear on your values and the meaning or purpose you give to life. Once you know this and can embrace the evolving nature of spirit and energy these attacks tend to have less impact. When we know our intentions, have considered our actions and have a good understanding of ourselves and how we choose to navigate life, we tend to have fewer wounds that bother us in this area. 

We all heal and grow in our own way and some of us may not be confronted in the ways I have been. Although in my experience we will always be confronted by life as we are encouraged to grow, evolve and heal. These ideas are simply that, suggestions, theories and a pattern from my experience. 

I would suggest that when we pay attention to our unique patterns, and the arising challenges and we can make more detached observations of them, it will be beneficial for each unique journey of healing and growth. 

Further Resources

Learning to find ourselves when connecting with others is a big part of a healing journey. We think you might find our Being Yourself in Relationships Course helpful.

To heal from deep wounds based in childhood our Inner Child Healing and Reparenting Course can help.