The concept of externalising your experiences is looking at everything around you, everything that's happening outside of you, and blaming that for how you feel, think, react, or respond. It begins as a self-defence mechanism, a form of control by our nervous system when we feel unsafe in our environment and are unable to process our own experiences. 

Often this can happen early in ur childhood years, and we may grow out of it as we age, but events can trigger us back into this state of looking outward when we feel intense stress, pain or feel vulnerable. It can leave us feeling victimised, even at times when we are not, due to the trigger of previous trauma that causes the change. 

When it happens, the world around us becomes like a battlefield that seems as though it is the source of our pain, yet we are the ones who are experiencing that pain within ourselves.

We notice it happening when we find ourselves blaming others in a circumstance, not considering our own part. We might begin blaming everyone else for what is happening or everything that has happened to us for how we feel. We might start plotting revenge, telling anyone who will listen to us about things that have happened, recalling a string or array of every unfortunate event in our lives. All as evidence that it is they, the world or circumstances that are to blame for the pain or distress we currently feel, and not us.  

Of course, we are not to blame for the traumatic experiences we have lived through, any victimisation, abuse, neglect or conditioning that causes us to live or respond in this state initially. But it is likely that neither are the other people we are aiming our current anger, frustration, or resentment toward. They may have done something we perceive as wrong, hurt us, crossed a boundary, or misbehaved in some way; there may be no denying that. Or it may simply be our perspective that dictates what they have done is wrong and we have taken offence.

Regardless, the pain is still ours. The emotion, anger, fear, and sense of powerlessness we are attempting to cover up, hide, reject or reflect away from is still ours to contend with. We are the ones feeling what we are feeling, behaving as we are and living with the consequences of our responses. 

The reason externalising our experience, blaming others and responding in this way isn't helpful is because we can't control the outside world. What we can control is ourselves. 

Instead of externalising, we can learn to look at ourselves first and see our experience as our own, regardless of the world around us. If we can do this, we actually gain more peace, clarity and control. If we can learn to see this outside world as something that we are part of, and are involved in, but not what defines or controls us, we can then see how we are reacting is reflecting something (a wound or vulnerability perhaps), within us.

When we are well, when we don't have as many vulnerable, sensitive wounds that we are carrying. Things can happen all around us, and they don't affect us in the same way as they do when we have those wounds. 

So if we are having a strong reaction to something, if we feel pain because of a situation that's happened outside of us, if we're feeling stressed, anxious, angry, upset, these are all signals and emotional triggers and threat responses of our nervous system. They're signs of something going on within us, a wound still awaiting healing, a sensitivity or vulnerability that is ours, not theirs. 

The signal shows us that there is an opportunity to respond and that we can heal. 

Because we can't control the outside world, and we can control ourselves, choosing to see these signals as a sign of healing, empowers us to become better, stronger and less vulnerable.

When we start to shift how we look at these scenarios and see them as a reflection of something happening within us, and what we can control is how we respond to it, we can pause, connect with ourselves and follow a process of self-enquiry and shadow work. We might ask:

• Why am I feeling this way? 

• What is this situation telling me about what is going on in my mind, body, and energy system? 

• What's this situation reminding me of that I haven't finished processing? 

• What is this situation reflecting to me about how much I have grown, or how I could grow, or what I could learn?

When we start to internalise our response, through processing and doing shadow work, we are taking back our energy, power, and control of the situation. 

The result is much more empowering and aligned with our spiritual nature and sovereignty. Because when we start trying to control the external world, we're manipulating, and we can't actually control what happens outside of ourselves. People or situations might respond to us, it might even be in a favourable way or a way we prefer, but the wound still exists. We still have this vulnerability. 

When something else similar happens again, because we've still got that same wound in us, we are still hurt again. We haven't strengthened ourselves, recovered or healed. We've just fixed something we've seen outside of ourselves, something temporary and not ours and events or similar situations can recur.

And if they can recur, it means that the world around us, other people, situations, and environments can control us. It keeps us living in that state of fear, hypervigilance, and stress. 

So when we internalise, self-reflect and become aware of what we can control, it's a step toward taking responsibility for ourselves, being accountable, and owning our own power, rather than allowing everything that happens to us or around us to control us. For example, if we see something we don't like and then we start creating a narrative, fighting within ourselves about this, things like:

• “They shouldn't do that”, 

• “They should do that” 

• “They should do it like this”, 

• “This is not how the world should be”

Who is the one getting stressed and anxious? Who is the one creating a drama around something that's happening that's not their business? Who is the one paying attention to situations that are likely not directly involved or that are highly important in their life?

A response like this might show that you care about an issue. It is not to be dismissed entirely or judged as wrong, bad or stupid. I might be highlighting something, showing you what you value, or identifying what is important to you. But it can also be an indicator that you are taking on a role that isn't yours to take. It all depends on how we process the experience, what meaning we give to the response and how we choose to react. When we're trying to manipulate others, or we want the entire world to bend to our will, it's a grandiose, wounded and defensive, inflated ego doing that.

If instead we heal, make a change, consider what we can do to nurture ourselves, grow stronger, recover, try something new or different, and choose how we respond or react, we grow and get stronger in some way. 

When we are reacting with powerful, negative energy and are hypervigilant, we are noticing more and more and more of what we don’t want and then attracting that energy toward us, more of the same. Our mind and nervous system will focus on the negative and will focus on what seems like a threat, especially when our nervous system is dysregulated. It is draining, it weakens us energetically and may even have an effect mentally or physically. So then we crave more energy to build us back up again, we need to feel more powerful and can use our circumstances to do this.  

That type of energy can become addictive; it seems interesting and feeds stories in our lives. 

We can get used to that level of lifestyle as it becomes our normal, but it perpetuates more and more of it, causing chaos and unrest. When we're attracted to drama, when we're attracted to the fight, or to the conflict, it's a sign of something else going on. Some energy, emotion or internal unrest that's going on within us is being externally expressed, because we don't have the capacity to hold ourselves.

As we see the events around us, what we are attracted to, respond to or what is attracted to us as a reflection of something else, we can shift our perspective, begin that healing process, become more aware and begin to heal. The more that we can do that, the more we break free of our ego control, the more we can cultivate a reality that suits us better. Because when we're not reacting to the world with resistance. 

If we can learn through these experiences to be calm, detached or more neutral, if we're not reacting to the world with such strong energy, we can attract more of what we do want. Peace, calm, wellness and aligned situations for our well-being. When we can stop seeing things that happen to us as a threat, because we don't have that vulnerability about us, we can stop being affected by it as much, and we can then actually cultivate more peace.

The more we can sit with the situation within ourselves, the more we can extend our capacity, and we can actually tolerate more of the world. And the more we can tolerate the world and the less we react to it, the more peace we're actually cultivating in our environment. The relationship becomes symbiotic. So as we engage with others, even in difficult situations or when we might be provoked, and we don’t react, the situations dissipate, and yet we have kept our power and energy for ourselves. We are stronger and not weaker because of them. 

As we do this, we recover, we heal, and we grow, finding more peace, alignment and wellness within, regardless of what occurs outside of ourselves. 

Additional Support

To understand more of this concept, you might enjoy the following videos. 

If you would like to explore more of this type of content and heal, or grow your capacity energetically, mentally and emotionally with us as Love School, I recommend the following products. 

The Freedom From Illusion Course helps you understand how we create reality. What manipulates and controls us, and how we can recover from abuse and disengage from drama or power dynamics that coerce us and use our energy. 

The Emotional Expression & Regulation Course explores how to process emotions in creative ways. Exploring communication and authenticity as you develop emotional intelligence. 

Complex Trauma Recovery dives deeply into the driving factors of hypervigilance and invites you to being you attetion to yourself as you heal and nurture the deeper wounds within. Looking at body, mind and spirit as part of trauma recovery. 

Building Your Energetic Power explores the world of energy and how we increase our capacity to evolve spiritually and energetically. We look at the natural laws of creation and how we can use the knowledge of them to our advantage as we heal and grow.