Communicating Emotions without Blame

It can be very challenging to feel strong emotions in response to a situation that occurs in our lives. When other people are involved in the circumstances or if a conflict has arisen in a relationship, it can be easy to blame other people. We tend to do this to seek relief from our feelings or deflect some responsibility externally by projecting our feelings onto others.

It's often common to hear people say things like "I'm angry because of you!" Or "You are such a disappointment" or "You make me feel amazing" but these expressions aren't based on the full truth.

No one else can make us feel anything.

We feel emotions in response to others or situations because of our internal landscape. This is due to how we think or the beliefs, expectations or values we have. Emotions are the sensations arising in our body to show us how to respond to the present situation and whether we are enjoying it or not. It shows us if the experience is aligned with our desires and personal preferences.

People can cause us to have an emotional response but it is the effect it has on our internal system, that they can not control, that we are feeling. We are the only people able to control, change or affect our internal, emotional energetic system and choose how we respond to it.

When communicating emotions we can often get caught up in the feeling of it rather than the observable reality of what is currently happening. We can be entangled in the attachments, connections or history we have with a person, which takes us away from the present experience and into our bodies and minds.

Learning to express ourselves and using our emotions to understand our internal landscape can improve our communications and negate unnecessary conflicts. Especially when we can step outside of playing the blame game and stop feeling defensive in what are safe situations. When our nervous system is relaxed, our emotions can be messages and a tool we use to understand how we are responding to the unseen world or connections around us.

In non-violent communication (NVC) we seek to express emotions without blame or projection from a space of self-responsibility, self-awareness, empathy and personal accountability. We do this because in the reality of a non-violent life, that doesn't intend to harm others, we know the only things we can change are our responses and actions. 

In NVC all feelings/emotions are thought to arise from met or unmet needs we have. NVC uses a simple formula for communication which involves clear observation, empathy and understanding communication from the perspective, of meeting needs. 

To use NVC we get curious about our emotions (or someone else's) and what the underlying needs are that drive the feelings and the resulting attempt to communicate them. These are identified and expressed alongside a request to meet the need seeking satisfaction, through the emotional (energetic) message. 

To build our NVC skills we first need to explore and identify our feelings and emotions. Learning what they are, how they feel and what words best describe the sensations we have.

Feelings are always paired with our underlying needs. When we dive deeper into an emotion or feeling we often find it is linked to something we desire for ourselves or want to avoid. Understanding these underlying needs brings our focus to ourselves and our internal landscape. Helping us understand our energetic drive and motivations. 

When we express this it might sound like this "I'm feeling hungry because I need to eat." Or "I feel sad because I need understanding".

Understanding our feelings and needs helps us to know what we value in life. It supports us in navigating the world with more intent and connecting with others more authentically.

We can also use the same ideas to help understand other people, their internal landscape, feelings, needs and values. For example, if we think someone is upset with us we can reflect this to them with curiosity and ask "Are you upset because you need validation?" Regardless of whether our guess is correct we are building our empathic skills and showing care and compassion for the people around us. 

NVC is based on observations we make. Rather than read between the lines or make assumptions, we use the real actions that have occurred to base our communication on. These actions would be the things we could see if we were watching a video replay of the event.

For example "When you cry, are you upset because you need validation?" Or "I raised my voice because I feel angry and need respect". When we do this we take the blame from other people and instead put the attention on an action. This makes communication less confrontational and we are less likely to become defensive and find ourselves in an argument. 

Often when we recognise a need we want something to be done differently. We want to request a change in someone's actions or in the circumstances we are facing. In NVC we add requests to our communications as a suggested solution. Requests are not demands we make on others, they are open to a response and are posed as a question. We would say something like "Would you be willing to..." or "Are you able to... instead?"

When we make requests, we understand we can not and don't have the right to control other people. We allow a non-violent space to be opened between us. They can make a choice, free from coercion. This builds and strengthens connections and prevents harmful power games or feelings of resentment from building. 

When we know the people we are in a relationship with want us to be willing, safe participants in the connection we can build stronger healthier relationships. 

It takes time to build new communication styles and form healthy relationship skills. It doesn't happen overnight. NVC is just one tool to support a new awareness in communication. As we build an understanding of ourselves and our emotional lives we also become more respectful and considerate of others emotional experiences. But we can feel vulnerable at first. 

We are often not taught these basic skills of communication as children. But with practice, self-empathy, mutual compassion and a willingness to learn, our communication styles can improve and change over time. This will allow us to be more honest and authentic in our expressions, without fear or feeling a requirement to censor our experiences to protect ourselves and others. 

If you would like to improve your emotional intelligence and practice separating your thoughts from feelings and understand what causes us to respond from the external world, download our free I Think, I Feel, I Observe PDF!

Language and communication skills can last a lifetime. They can be adapted for all areas of our lives and have countless benefits in many ways for us.

In our Love School & Mama Bear Mentorship Emotional ER experience, we explore NVC and emotional expression in more detail. We look at how to process our emotions safely and learn to navigate our internal world. We explore effective communication, building confidence and creating a more stable foundation to regulate our nervous system.

If you would like to learn more follow the link below:

If you struggle with emotional intelligence this can stem from underlying childhood wounds. In that case, we think you might be interested in our Inner Child & Reparenting course.

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Watch this video as Terri explains why emotional regulation is so important right now!